What to do next

Ever since I got my Post Grad Diploma, I’ve been keen to learn new things but reluctant to produce any evidence to prove I’ve studied. I enjoy learning new things – just for the fun of it. But I find myself strangely averse to evidence that learning. I want the knowledge for me – not for anyone else.

I’ve spent the past five years avoiding producing a couple of essays just so that I can achieve accredited status in my work. Each essay needs contain around only 1000 words. I can dash that off in a couple of hours when writing my blog. But the thought of writing to prove something to someone else leaves me cold.

I should bite the bullet and get it done. Professionally, it will be useful for me. However, time and time again, I decide to do it ... and suddenly something else takes my fancy.

 It’s not always academia that draws my interest. Last year, every Monday evening from September was good for me as I attended a cake decorating class. It was one night each week when I didn’t sit in the house and bawl my eyes out. It gave me something other than grieving on which to focus. And I picked up a new skill too. So far this week, three Christmas cakes marzipanned, and three more to do at the weekend. I like to keep busy. Icing to be done next weekend. Am a little late this year. I enjoy it though. And I enjoy seeing the faces when I present these gifts.

I keep looking for a course in making Stained Glass – I’d love to be able to produce something pretty in stained glass. I also sew – pretty well as it happens. Anything that requires concentration and fills the gap looks like a good option to me.

However, what’s pulling me in lately is the possibility of a course in Theology or Religious Studies. I suspect it’s all part of my trying to make sense of a world in which Al no longer resides. As I drove home tonight, I found myself wondering whether he can see us, whether he knows how much he is missed and loved, whether he is happy, whether my Granddad is keeping him safe until I can be with him. All of those thoughts tumbled into my mind within a nano-second – followed just as quickly by the rationalisation that it was merely wishful thinking and then immediately by the yearning for it to be true.

I don’t quite know what I hope to gain from studying religion and faith – perhaps some amazing revelation would come to light and I would, quite literally, see *the* Light.

Perhaps, I’d just gain a greater insight into others’ beliefs – I love finding out about how others see the world and anyway, intellectual stimulation is good for me. Some days, I need a day off from grieving and finding something of interest helps to distract me when it all gets too much.

Perhaps, and this is what I most hope for, I’d just find a way of being. One that allows me a little peace. It’s not a lot to ask for ... is it?