Monday 6 December 2010

Faith - I wish I had it

Tonight I was thinking about Death and faith. Some Christians believe that one day they will see the ones who have gone before them. 

Actually, I envy those who believe this. I wish I had that kind of blind faith. I think it must be wonderful to truly 'know' that you will see your loved one again and I guess that must be comforting. I can't believe. I've tried but time after time, I find myself saying that if there is no proof, how can I accept it as fact?

One of the best books I ever read was John Humphries, "In God we doubt" because it mirrored my own views so well. In it, he says that it's OK for those who have faith, and for those who are Atheist, as both 'know' that they hold the truth. It's the Agnostics who have the real trouble because they really aren't sure. Now I guess that means me because I can't be 100% sure that there is no Higher Power but I lean VERY much towards the Atheist end of the spectrum. In other words, I very much doubt that there is anything after death. In fact, I'm 99% certain of this.

I wish I could believe that I would see Al again one day but I can't. I wish I had some simplistic, childlike, intelligence that meant I could look forward to seeing him again, but I don't. I question things all the time - but I really, really wish I had blind faith. I think my views must be pretty offensive to those who believe. They aren’t meant to be. I’ve met many people who strike me as enormously intelligent yet simply accept that there is a God. I don’t get it. How can these people, who question so much, just blindly accept an idea?

I used to know a woman who was a JW. Occasionally we'd debate about the existence of God and one day she said to me, "You know Beverley, if I've got it wrong and there is nothing when I die, I've lost nothing and I won't know it anyway but I've been happy serving my God in my way. If you're wrong ... think about it.

I walked away from her trying not to sneer but those words have resonated a few times. I still think she's foolish for believing in the existence of some all-powerful deity without any proof - but she's happy and confident that she will see her loved ones again. I'm not - so which of us really has it right?

If I could take a pill that would let me wake up tomorrow with the absolute certainty that God exists, I’d take it. Regardless of whether God is real, I’d take it. If I could get just a few moments peace and assurance I would be with my boy one day, I’d take it.

What I struggle with is those who believe telling me that I just have to, 'open your heart to God', or 'just accept' or any other bollocks like that. As if I haven't tried. As if I'm 4 years old and am being told that Santa exists. As if it's that simple. I'm not a child and, to be honest, I believe in the likelihood of a God as much as I believe in Santa.

I still wish I could though.

1 comment:

  1. I wish I had the right words to give you comfort and the sure knowledge that your Al and you will one day meet again. I not only feel that we will be with our Heath again in heaven, but that he is still here now, just not in the physical sense. I've always had faith throughout my life, but wondered at times if it would 'hold up' if I ever faced any real problems. Well, as devastating as Heath's loss has been, it hasn't shaken my faith. As another said "I don't believe for a minute that God 'took' my son, but what I do believe is that God cried.....and scooped him up into safety'. Something to think about. Peace.
    Becky in Iowa

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