Sunday 5 December 2010

I lost my best friend


We trained and qualified together. When we met on our course 9 years ago, we clicked pretty much straight away when we discovered we had a mutual friend. We have shared lots of secrets and private thoughts.

When I was about to undergo my first ever surgery, I was scared - I mean really scared. I was morbidly obese and about to undergo my very first general anaesthetic - not a good combination. I wrote a will and asked my best friend that, should it be necessary, to be executor, organise my funeral, give the Eulogy, and to guide my youngest daughter through life. She agreed but assured me it wouldn't be necessary – thankfully, she was right.

Two months after the surgery, Al died. His death was sudden and unexpected. The death of our friendship was long, drawn out, and totally unexpected. I still don't know what, if anything, I did wrong.

I hear that other friends of hers are also wondering what has happened so it can’t be something I’ve done can it – if she’s avoiding them too.

And yet, I wonder ...

Is it that I've lost a vast amount of weight? I'm now half the weight I was before Al died. Although I'm still a stone overweight (which just goes to show just how obese I really was), I know I look good now. The irony is that I feel like crap and everyone avoids mentioning the loss of my son by focussing on saying how fab I look. They all ask, "How much have you lost?” I smile, and say, "half my body weight," when what I really want to scream in their face is, "One son" because that's the real loss - not a few stupid stones.

I know she's been dieting - has my weight loss altered her perception of herself - woman with a fat friend? I never suspected that was how she felt but then it never occurred that she'd just abandon me when I needed her the most.

Is it that my son died and she doesn't know what to say or do? Given our training, I don't think so. Is it that she can't be arsed? Well, to repeat myself, given our training, I guess that's far more likely than not knowing what to say or do.

Anyway, she's gone. She never gets in touch and didn't even bother to reply when I last contacted her. When I last bumped into her in town, she gaily trilled, "Ooh you're on my list." I presume that was a list of people to call - I'm still waiting.

And still not sure what I did. I hear she is dating. Perhaps that's it - her romantic life has taken precedence over everything else - including her grieving friend. But I'm not asking to replace some man in her life. An evening every month or so isn't a lot to ask for you'd think.

Maybe I've done something to offend her. I know I've changed - losing a child does that to you. She has no kids so maybe it's harder for her to understand - but I never had that impression before.

Maybe ... maybe ... maybe ... well that's all I can come up with because she's gone and all I'm left with is unanswered questions

Anyway, my best friend is gone and won't be back by the looks of it - and actually, I'm really pissed off at her.

Doesn't stop me missing her though.

No comments:

Post a Comment