today

Yesterday I felt somewhat twitchy all day – so I stayed in the kitchen. I baked lots of biscuits in the shape of stars, bells, candles, reindeer, and snowmen. Then I iced them and popped them into transparent bags fastened with pretty ribbons. I hung some on my tiny tree and got the rest ready to give away. Not satisfied with that, I then iced a couple of Christmas cakes, cleaned the kitchen worktops and floor and finally crawled into bed, exhausted, at  around 1.30am today. I fell asleep straight away – this was a good thing as usually I toss and turn.

I was up 6 hours later as my eldest was popping over and I wanted to prepare for her visit. Since losing Al, our relationship has taken a nosedive and I have felt blamed for his death. I guess she needs someone on which to focus her anger – and unfortunately for me, that someone is me. I find myself torn between feeling resentment at the sheer, bloody unfairness of being the focus for her torment and anger, and compassion for the pain she must be in. And sad that I have lost my son ... and now my daughter.

Anyway, her visit was strained but, as I recently put my foot down and insisted she at least speak to me with a modicum of respect, it was polite. Her manner was guarded but decidedly warmer than previously.

She wasn’t here long – just an hour. Afterwards I drove her home on my way to my counselling appointment. It went well – but then I have a good counsellor. I’m able to dip into the painful stuff and drop it just as quickly when it all gets too much. I find revisiting it as often as I need, is much more effective than plunging straight to the depths all in one session.

Today we meandered through various issues –

last week’s session with the Police trainees,

the fact that, despite his assurances that he would see me last Tuesday, the bloody Police Inspector still hasn’t got back to me re the Restorative Justice,

my relationship with my daughter,

my fairly recent desire to take up some form of religious studies and what that means,

the death (five years ago) of Al’s friend’s mother after a long, and totally secret, battle with cancer,

and my fears re Christmas Day.

It felt like a whistle stop tour when we paused for breath at the end of the session yet we did quite a bit of deep work as well. As is usual when I’ve worked really hard during a counselling session, I felt completely knackered when I came out.

So I did a bit of shopping and picked up a rather fetching pale grey work suit – dress and jacket – for next to nothing, and some bits for Christmas for the girls. I’m glad that I can take pleasure in shopping for clothes now. It’s taken some time since Al died for me to take pleasure in anything.

Speaking of Christmas pressies for the girls, I seem to be spending far more nowadays. I’m a list maker and have records going back years, which include what I got for each child each Christmas, and what it cost – so that I could spend roughly the same amount on each child. I need to get more for my eldest to even things up a bit but when I do, I’ll have spent far in excess what I spent on all three of them two years ago. I did the same last year too. I wonder if I’m trying to compensate. Years ago, I made a deliberate decision to avoid spending pots and pots of money on the kids at Christmas but to make Christmas as fun and family oriented as possible. Maybe that’s why I feel the need to compensate by giving more presents – I don’t feel able to make it fun and family oriented because there’s a huge, gaping chasm in my family. It really hurts to acknowledge that hole which is ridiculous when you consider that I’m fully aware that Al is dead. But to see the massive gap his death has left, makes it all the harder to bear.