Not a great day

Well after the (relative) high of yesterday, today has been a bit of a downer. I don’t know why. It was the last day of term, so people kept saying, “Have a good Christmas,” and I smiled back and said the same back to them ... because that’s what you do. Saying ‘Have a good Christmas’ is the equivalent of ‘How are you?’ or ‘Hello’. It’s just something to say at a particular time. There’s no thought behind the words – they’re just thrown around – liberally - like confetti at a wedding.

I wanted to say, “I know you’ve forgotten but my son died so my Christmas will be pretty shit actually.” But of course I didn’t. Instead, I smiled and said, “Yes you too – have a good one.” Because, let’s be honest, if I’d said that, they’d have probably felt guilty and resentful towards me for ‘making’ them feel that way. After all, it isn’t their fault he died.

The thing is, I do know that - I’m not angry because I believe they are responsible for his death – I don’t blame anyone, not even the man who ran Al over, for his death. I’m angry because they lack the sensitivity to show a little compassion.

This year, the Christma cards are noticeable by their absence. We’ve received so very few. I guess some people don’t know what to say so they say nothing. Of the ones we have received, they seem to fall into two categories.

1.       Merry Christmas/Happy Christmas/Have a great time  (aka it simply hasn’t occurred to me to acknowledge the fact that your son is dead and your Christmas will be anything but merry – getting none is preferable to getting this type)

2.       Thinking of you – these cards are very rare indeed – but so incredibly precious. I save them as a reminder of those who take the time to care.

Of those who send cards in the first category ... Well they can’t be expected to consider my feelings when their heads are full of plans for Christmas. And so I vascillate between being understanding of their lack of awareness, and feeling pretty fed up about it.

I wonder if eventually, I will become a little more tolerant of their ignorance. To be honest, I don’t think it will ever be a matter of becoming more tolerant. I think eventually, I will be so ground down by it, that I’ll simply submit, give up allowing myself to feel hurt, and supress it. Not that that will make it go away but my guess is that it will manifest itself in other, even less helpful ways.

One good thing today was that my sis-in-law visited with my niece and her two children – both absolutely gorgeous. The elder is almost 1½ and completely adorable and entertaining. She lights up a room when she enters and I look forward to her visits. Tonight she didn’t disappoint as she chatted into my Wii remote using it as a phone.

The snow was falling thick and fast so they left a little earlier than they’d planned. Just prior to leaving, we were invited to have lunch with them on Christmas Day. It was a huge relief to get that invitation. I was dreading spending it at home in a house which screamed with Als absence. Although the day was spent with them last year, it was incredibly difficult as no one said his name or referred to him at all. But that’s still better than being at home. This year I may take some needlepoint to focus on if it becomes too difficult to manage conversation.