Faith . . . and the way we treat the bereaved (part 2)

Last November I blogged about an incident at a colleague’s church. http://afteral.blogspot.com/2010/11/faith-and-way-we-treat-bereaved.html

Although I still view her as a decent person, the incident has soured our relationship. Once I saw her as a friend as well as a colleague. Now, I’m far more guarded around her. It’s not that she isn’t sympathetic – she is. But I think her sympathy partly stems from her belief that I caused my lad’s death by not believing in God. Therefore, her compassion is tinged with pity BECAUSE of the guilt she assumes I carry and I resent this so, so much.

One day last week, she arrived at work looking devastated. One of her oldest and dearest friends had died a few hours earlier. He was middle-aged but fit and healthy and until he, and the rest of his family, had picked up a flu bug over the Christmas break, was rarely ill. He was a nice man. A devout Christian – I met him the day I visited her church. I know his wife – we used to work together. She’s a lovely person. My heart goes out to her – you don’t expect to be widowed when you haven’t even reached 50. And for a couple who were just as in love, just as devoted to each other as when they married around 30 years ago, it must be even more crushing.

He had been in hospital, slowly declining, for days as my colleague refused to give up on him and willed him to get better. I was touched by her faith. It was as if she genuinely believed that positive vibes and prayer could save him.

For the sake of our working relationship, I had put my resentment to one side – I knew it was there but, to keep the peace, I chose not to raise the subject. I’d already been fobbed off so felt it was pointless trying to resolve things. However, it came back with full force as she sat sobbing in front of me. I said all the right things, and offered as much comfort as was possible – and I genuinely meant it. She was bereft and it was heartbreaking to witness. But suddenly, a voice inside my head said, “Hmm seems like your God thought he wasn’t devout enough or he’d have lived a long life too wouldn’t he.” I was horrified by my reaction. In front of me was a bereaved woman - a good woman. I should have been focussed only on offering her comfort but instead, I was thinking, “Gee looks like your God’s not so great after all is He. How does it feel to have the tables turned?” It’s not that I wished this horror on this lovely family. It’s that there was a general air of those church members being immunised against early death by their belief in God – and a superiority that accompanied it. Where does that leave that widow and her children now?

I’ve read of other bereaved people who have felt completely abandoned by their church. I hope they don’t do that to her. Yet I struggle to see how they can reconcile a devout man dying when all he had to do, according to their beliefs, was to follow God’s path.