Sunday, 11 March 2012

Yes I know it was a daft thing to do...

As a way of distracting myself from the discussions about to take place when we were sat waiting at the lawyers, I’d started to tell my friend about the incident with the stupid woman at the dance class but we were called in.

Afterwards, I began again and recounted the whole incident. At the end she didn’t say, “Blimey that must have been painful to hear.” Or, “What a shame she wasn’t able to consider what she said.” Instead, she said, “It sounds as if she was embarrassed and didn’t know what to say.” Why is it that people think they need to explain away someone’s crass insensitivity – as if crass insensitivity is acceptable. Why did that woman require MY sensitivity and understanding for HER lack of it? I know she was embarrassed and didn’t know what to say. But when in doubt, say nothing. And if you do find yourself saying such a stupid thing, surely the correct thing to do would be to apologise. Why did my friend think it’s less unacceptable for me, when I am grieving, to be more understanding? I’m fed up of being expected to be the bigger person when I feel so diminished.


  1. I think we're always expected to be the bigger, understanding person because (paradoxically) most people have more sympathy for the stupid dance teacher. It's obvious, really isn't it? Most people can relate to the Dance Teacher, who doesn't know what to say. Most people think we are hard to deal with. Most people don't have dead children.

    Actually, more and more I'm thinking, this IS what grief is. Your child dies, and the grief is the process of readjusting to the fact that no one else (or most people) don't seem to give a shit. Your child died - tough.. I'm busy with my life, my kids... It's the only way it makes sense.

    I'm sorry about the lawyer's meeting Bev - it sounds hideous. I wish I could come with you and hold your hand. Afterwards, we would eat cake, and you could moan to me, and I would tell you your Dance Teacher is a stupid cow x

    1. Thanks Susan. I don't know why I'm still so surprised when people fail to see how crass and hurtful comments can be. I'd like us to eat cake together one day. Something ridiculously calorific methinks. Ooh, I should just say that it wasn't the dance teacher but just another woman at the class.

  2. I think people probably relate more to the person who doesn't know what to say or says something dumb. I'm so sorry for your loss...and I know from experience (our son was killed by a drunk driver) that it is not an easy journey.