I have every right to be angry with this selfish, childish man

Just under two weeks ago, I received an email from my ex husband, Al’s dad. It was short and to the point. He wanted to know how much compensation I had claimed and to be kept informed of the progress of the claim as he felt he was entitled to that courtesy. His entitlement to compensation also seemed to be his main focus shortly after Al died but I let it pass thinking that he was probably in shock and that it was probably easier to think about that than think about how our son was no longer alive. However, even after I pointed out that it was in poor taste to keep asking about money when our boy was hardly cold in the ground, he has continued to do so. Also, rather than simply pick up a phone and call the Coroner’s office, he wanted me to update him on the inquest.

I replied – this was my final attempt to reply with at least a modicum of civility. The first three drafts were a tad angrier.

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As I explained at the time, the solicitor rejected the offer of 60% of the statutory payment because Mr C's insurance company were basing that reduction on the belief that Al had been playing chicken. I told the solicitor that the only person to say that Al was playing chicken was Mr C. Two witnesses had quoted this in their statements but neither of them alleged that Al was playing chicken - just that the driver had said that he was. The solicitor said she agreed and that she'd already decided to reject the payment but wanted to check with me first. I said that if they had reduced it because he was using a mobile phone, and therefore not concentrating on the road, I wouldn't have argued because that was true. However, I refused to have his memory tainted by saying he was deliberately taunting drivers and accepting a reduction for that reason would imply that I accepted that he was playing chicken.

Since then the solicitors have written twice asking me for information about Al. I can obtain the info but have been struggling emotionally to do so as I have been more concerned with grieving for Al than interested in obtaining money. It's hard to think of him as a series of £ signs. However, ironically, this week I have made a start and have begun to gather the paperwork together ready for the solicitor's call that I expect next week.

The amount awarded (not 'claimed') is the statutory amount payable which I think is about £11k - previously you seemed to be fully aware of the exact amount after you contacted the Police to ask how much compensation you were entitled to for Al's death. As far as I'm aware, the statutory amount has not changed. I haven't asked because frankly, it is not compensation to me. Nothing can ever compensate. As I said last time you wanted to know when your money would be available, I find it distasteful to speak of Al and money - as if that's all he was worth. For me, even speaking of this just insults his memory.

It is however, being dealt with. The process is long and slow but is moving forward. I appreciate you are keen to get your money and as soon as it arrives, I give you my word that you will get exactly what you are legally entitled to. I know you haven't explicitly said this but I want to assure you that I have no intention of taking anything that should be yours or of hanging onto it for a minute longer than necessary. Al would not want that - and as with everything I have done in his name (including his tribute) I have striven to be respectful of what he would have wanted. In case you do not trust me, it may also comfort you to know that I am legally bound to apply fair processing and I do not intend to break the law - my career rests upon my integrity and so, even if I wanted, it would be foolish for me to act dishonestly.

There will be no inquest. It seems that the coroner simply accepts the decision of the court. In Al's case, the decision was not taken by a jury but by the CPS lawyers. Yes, I know it stinks. I asked for a full inquest but was told that the court is a higher power than the Coroner is so the court's decision is final. I asked the Coroner to push for recommendations to make the road safer but was told that was an isolated incident so there was no need. Go figure! I found that out from a simple phone call to the Coroner's office when I realised that I'd heard nothing from them. I followed it up with a complaint and they have altered their systems so that people are now automatically informed that no inquest will take place rather than having to call to obtain that info.

You were spared almost all of the mess created by the Coroner, the Police, the Accident and Emergency Dept, and the CPS. On top of my son's death, I was subject to the full force of their incompetence. I have submitted complaints to all of them and have received apologies from all of them. I have not submitted a final complaint to the CPS regarding the late decision to reduce the charge as it seems that they just close ranks so I wouldn't even get an apology but a letter justifying why they sold Al down the river. I'd rather not read that so I've put off making the complaint for so long that I suspect I've run out of time anyway.

When Al died, not only did I have to cope with the shock and horror of his death but also an irate and frankly abusive ex-husband who seemed more interested in his rights. I know that you were in shock but I don't think you have ever considered the appalling way in which you behaved. As you were screaming down the phone at me, I was also in shock - you appeared not to notice that my son had also died. I was stood in the hospital trying to comprehend how Al could be dead and whilst trying to take that in, I was also trying to ascertain whether you were alone, whether you were driving a bus, or about to, because I was concerned for your safety and that of your passengers. I also thought that the last thing the girls needed to hear was that you had crashed your bus because you were too shocked at the news that your son had died. I was trying to do the right thing and you abused me. I let it go because you were in shock. Unlike my actions, clearly your behaviour revealed absolutely no consideration nor compassion for my shock and grief.

I dealt with this on top of the mistakes that were already being made by the hospital and the Police. But then I had the girls to consider. As I pleaded for Al's organs and tissue to be donated as per his wishes, my thoughts were of him and what he wanted - and of the girls and what they needed. And of you and your passengers. And of A and R and J having to drive to Preston to stand around and do nothing because there was nothing to be done. I was too much in shock to consider me and I focussed on everyone else. This was, I admit, probably the only way I could cope with the horror of it all but you thought only of yourself and your 'right to be told over the phone' - as if I was also supposed to be telepathic and simply 'know' this.

So please do not talk to me of courtesy. You were, and have been, awarded more courtesy than you ever deserved. I do this because it is the right thing to do and because it is what Al would have wanted - because he loved you. I have noticed that you have made far more effort with X since Al's death and I was glad that you were finally taking a little more parental responsibility - better late than never. I had also hoped that this new maturity might have resulted in you at least acknowledging your disgusting behaviour after Al died. But instead, you contact me to speak of compensation - and courtesy for you. Let’s be honest, I have given you far more courtesy than you ever deserved.

As I said, as soon as the money comes through, you will get all that you should get. I will not try to wriggle out of giving you anything that you should receive. Also, as soon as it comes through, I will speak to your parents about the contribution of almost half of the funeral costs that they made.

I am legally in charge of administering Al’s estate. Have a little patience and respect for the mother of your son - who is grieving for her son and happens to be doing the right thing as quickly as she is able. Is the thought of having to wait for a few grand really so important to you?

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He has yet to reply but to be honest, I don’t expect one.

However yesterday, on hearing that we would be travelling down south, he informed our daughter that I could drive her to a motorway services close to his home so that he can spend a little time with her. This will be the first time he has seen her in almost a year. Apart from the fact that he makes a very short call to her twice weekly (this is a massive improvement compared with how it was before Al died) she has seen him (in the flesh) around half a dozen times in the last five years. On average, the visits lasted around an hour, two at the most.

I am angry that this man cannot be bothered to take the trouble to visit his daughter but instead expects me to add a couple of hours onto my already six-hour journey so that he can see her. I’ve agreed to it subject to traffic conditions – after all, he may be an idiot, but he’s the only father she has. I’m just so fed up of having to compensate (that word again!) for him.