Loneliness

My sister in law and neice were great to begin with. they visited every week and brought the baby, and then the babies, to see me. They rarely, if ever, referred to Al or my grief but they came BECAUSE  of it - and I knew that and although I really needed my loss to be acknowledged, I was still able to appreciate the effort they made for me.

Then other issues arose in their lives and I was quite suddenly forgotten. It was as if they'd got bored with me and had other, far more interesting things to focus on. My sis in law's granddad was ill and my neice got Post Natal Depression for a while so they were indeed extremely valid reasons. But the outcome was still the same - I was adandoned.

I can't force them to care. And, I suspect that they do care - it's just that they've forgotten that I *need* to be cared for and they can't be bothered with that aspect of it any more because *life goes on*. Ha - life goes on - not for my son it doesn't. And not for me - now I live a greyed out half life. It's as if it has lost its colour and it's sparkle. Nothing touches me deeply any more.

I am truly alone in my journey from now on. My daughter is here and I accompany her - but she doesn't accompany me. I have no right to inflict just how wounded I am onto her so I hide it. She knows I'm in pain but has no idea of the depth of that pain because I refuse to allow my pain to stop her from living to the best of her ability.

I have one or two friends who listen and take notice if I refer to my grief but in the last six months, apart from my counsellor, only ONE person has approached me to specifically asked me how I'm coping.

I wish I could do as someone on a bereavement forum suggested - just walk away from my family. To be honest, I've always been on the periphery. I've never, ever felt that I was truly part of them. Losing Al just sharpened up the focus on how separate I  really am. They were never that bothered about me to begin with.

I guess it must be worse for those who previously had good relationships with their families because they expected that they would be able to rely on them. Deep down, I've always known that my lot were never really that bothered about me. It still makes it hard to face that thought though. Losing Al has just brought it back to the forefront that I've always been alone - and the desperate realisation that perhaps I always will be.