I’ve been a bit out of sorts for several days now. I can’t put my finger on what it is. I just feel a bit ... er ... not right.
I keep thinking of Al and his last moments. I caught myself saying to someone, “At least he can’t have felt any pain as it was all so quick.” But the thing is that that’s just something I’ve been telling myself for almost two years. Yesterday, just as I said it, it hit me that I can’t know that he didn’t suffer. I’ve kept saying that I hoped he didn’t suffer but until yesterday, I’d never really acknowledged that actually, he might have.
Last night and today, I‘ve repeatedly wondered whether he knew, even for a split second, that he was dying. It tortures me to think that he knew, even briefly. I wonder whether he was frightened or in pain. The reality is that I will never know but it goes round and round my mind. Did he suffer? Was he scared? What were his last thoughts?
Today I visited his grave. This is only about the fourth or fifth visit I have ever made there since he died almost two years ago. I find it so difficult to look at that patch of grass knowing that his body is decomposing just a few feet below. When I got there, a few of the crocuses I planted 18 months ago were in bloom. It looked nicer than just a patch of grass. I laid some pretty Fairtrade roses knowing that Al would say it was daft to put them there and I’d be better off taking them home to enjoy them. I didn’t of course. I was there less than ten minutes before I walked back up to the car, sat and cried, and drove away. I think I dislike going so much because I hate leaving him there all alone.
Today I also read on a forum about a medium who had given some very accurate info. This was relayed by a cynic who was shocked at the accuracy. I almost leapt in to get the medium’s contact details. It’s coming to something when a cynic like me is desperate to believe a load of claptrap. I need to get a grip and lose the desperation.
Thinking of you Beverley. I worried too about J being frightened, and not being able to do anything to reassure her. I'm glad the crocuses were in bloom for you, but I understand about not wanting to visit the grave. I've never liked it either, for all the reasons you mention. x
ReplyDeleteI was watching Psychic Sally the other night though god only knows why. Then I googled her and saw that she's at my local theatre in a few weeks. Tempted? Yes. Going? No. I too have these fears that Kieron may have suffered and felt intense fear. But his little face was so serene, there were no tears on his face and when I first found him I thought he was pretending. I have to hold onto that, just as you need to hold onto the thought that for Al it was too quick for him to know. It most probably was. I suppose that what I'm trying to say is that if Kieron had realised for a split second that he was going to die, I think his only thought would have been 'oh shit'. Then nothing.A strange comfort but we all have to hold onto what we can. I'm sure that if your Al had felt anything, the bond between the two of you is so strong that you would you know. And you don't, so he didn't.
ReplyDeleteHope this makes sense, I tend to type at a different speed to my brain.
Yep, I suppose it is a common fear amongst us all. What comforts me is thinking about Catherine's life in the round - which was mostly secure and happy.
ReplyDeleteMy other thought is that (with many hours to ponder it) and our societal tendency to be horrified by death - I think we might imagine it as being more scary than it is iyswim. I'm not sure C being ill was any scary to her than the tummy bug she'd had before.
Al saw the car hurtling towards him. I know this because the statements collected by the Police all say that he was in the middle of the road when he suddenly became aware of the car hurtling towards him. He then twisted his body down and away from the car but wasn't quick enough to avoid it completely. This was mainly because the car was on the wrong side of the road.
ReplyDeleteHe would most certainly thought "Shit!" just as Kieron would have. But then I keep thinking that if he was aware enough to try to avoid the car, how aware was he that he was about to die?
He was 17 - he knew enough to be scared of dying. he knew it was a possibility. We had even planned for it inasmuch as he had agreed that his tissue and organs should be used for others in the event of his death. He didn't expect it but he was aware of the possibility.
I think that we can all torture ourselves with these thoughts. Several years ago I was in a crash on the M2. I was overtaking a car which suddenly decided to pull out and overtake the lorry in front. I was in the fast lane next to the barrier doing 70ish. Although I spun the wheel to try and avoid the car, it hit me and my car spun several times into oncoming traffic, picking up speed from the impact. I can honestly say that all I could think of was the kids and mentally saying 'oh fuck'. I wasn't afraid because I knew that there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it.I remember seeing the faces of other drivers as they slammed on the brakes.
ReplyDeleteI was lucky that day...I had a big old Granada and a full tank of fuel which weighed the car down and stopped it from rolling over.
Hopefully Al thought the same and I also hope that this may help a little.
Thanks Janine. It does. Some time ago you asked if I was on Facebook - did you want to add me?
ReplyDeleteI tried but you don't have an add button.
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