Drinking to numb the pain

Last night I was at a party having fun. I looked good. I felt confident and relaxed and was enjoying being surrounded by lots of familiar faces.

Over the course of the evening, I drank three glasses of Rose. The last time I had a glass of anything was a small Baileys on Christmas Day so I can hardly be described as a hardened drinker. Three glasses is a huge amount for me and although I topped up each glass with iced water, I was a little tipsy.

They had karaoke. Lots of people decided to participate. Not me of course – it would take at least couple of bottles of wine to persuade me to sing publicly – and I’d pass out long before I managed that. But I was happy to sit and enjoy the singers basking in their moment of fame.

Unfortunately, one singer chose a Queen song – the very song I chose for Al’s funeral. I sat rooted to the spot – wanting to leave yet not wanting to draw any attention to myself. A friend guessed immediately, leaned over, and squeezed my arm. A small gesture that conveyed so much. It was comforting to feel her empathy.

I was aware that I was shaking and foolishly, got myself a brandy and knocked it back. I’ve never had a drink to ease any pain before and it shocked me. It won’t happen again. Lord only knows what I was thinking. I was already half cut so having a drink to steady myself was a rather strange idea. 

The whole incident made me think of Al though. And I could picture him dancing and bouncing around laughing to that song – and singing just as badly as the person who was on stage – Al was completely tone deaf and had no sense of rhythm when singing but that never bothered him at all. If we teased him for singing out of time and/or out of tune, he just sang louder.

I wish I could hear him singing right now.