It’s my nephew’s 18th birthday today. His mum was in town yesterday so she popped in to see us. She didn’t mention it and I forgot to give her his card. I wish she had because now I feel obliged to make the 30-mile round trip to their house to deliver his card. And that will be after making a 30-mile round trip in the opposite direction to take my mother shopping.
Maybe it’s just as well she didn’t mention it because I’d forgotten it was his 18th and so the card didn’t reflect this. I wonder if my ‘forgetting’ was a subconscious desire to avoid it. Al never made it to 18. He never got the course of driving lessons, or the big night out he was so looking forward to. It hurts to know that others get their celebration and he didn’t. I don’t begrudge my nephew his fun – he’s a lovely lad. The look on his face as he helped to carry Al’s coffin left me in no doubt that he cared about Al. That means a lot to me.
It’s just that Al never got his celebration and every time I think about it, it hurts. All he got was a tree planted in a park and a few balloons released. Big deal! It’s nothing in comparison with the rich, full life he should have lead. A tree and balloons instead of growing old, falling in love, having children, making mistakes (lots of them), living - just bloody living. He was robbed of all of it. And I was robbed of watching him do all those things.
Anyway, I’d better get ready, paint on a smile, take my mother shopping and then take his card and present.
Just think you're being very brave to deliver a card and present. I relate to what you're saying - it's not that you resent any one else's enjoyment - it just highlights the pain. Presumably, Al should have been part of his cousin's celebrations too?
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry Bev - I hope you managed to get home, take off your smile and pour yourself a large G&T - and one for me while you're at it, seeing as I can't have one. You do come across as immensely strong - I hope you're not pushing yourself too far xx
Thanks Susan. Actually I rarely drink - and never alone. My 'tipple' is a skinny decaf latte - for me that's a real luxury LOL - but I'll have one for you.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel strong - I know that I would think someone else was if I saw them having to do the kind of things that we have to do - but I feel incredibly weak a lot of the time.
And of course, I'm so aware of the way that others view me - both colleagues and family who feel that I should be moving on/getting better/getting over it - it leaves me feeling that I have no choice but to at least appear to comply.
I too think that you're a strong lady. Although when friends tell me that I'm strong I read it as "at least you're getting over it". Which I'm not. Which you and Susan aren't. I guess I mean brave. xx
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