This year, as with the last two years since losing Al, I’ve
felt pressured into doing something for my youngest’s sake. I’d already decided
that I couldn’t cope with another Christmas Day at my brother’s place when no
one would even acknowledge Al or my grief. Anyway, that decision has been taken
already as we haven’t been invited. On the one hand, it’s a massive relief to
not have to turn the invitation down – but a letdown that it seems that we are
now considered to be sufficiently ‘over it’ that we can cope without any kind
of support on the day.
Instead, we are eating out at a local Indian restaurant with
the new man in my life. We seem to have developed a bond rather quickly. But
then we share an experience that not many others have. Nineteen years ago, his
eldest son died a week after being run over. He was just eleven years old.
We do talk about our boys but they don’t dominate our
conversations. Instead, it seems to be enough that we both ‘get it’. Having
that shared understanding makes it easier somehow.
He dances – rather well actually. I don’t – well I didn’t
until a few weeks ago when I asked him to teach me – Ok I still don’t but I am progressing
– albeit very slowly – and now only have two left feet instead of the two and a
half I started out with. It’s fun – and as I’m lighter these days, far easier
than I anticipated. We laugh a lot together. It’s a relief to be able to do
that. I know I physically weigh less these days but I feel emotionally lighter
too – less burdened/weighted down by my woes. They’re still there but they
don’t feel as heavy as they did.
I still have my low days – I spent a couple of days close to
tears last week. But then, when I think about it, a year ago, I couldn’t make
it through a single day without sobbing at some point so I guess I’m making
progress. What tends to prick my eyelids these days is feeling happy and
knowing that Al would be glad for me – and feeling sad that he isn’t here to
say as much.
Anyway, Indian food on Christmas Day – we always ate at home
on Christmas Day. And it was usually Chinese food or the traditional Christmas
lunch. Eating out at an Indian restaurant is different enough to make it OK.
I’m not ready (not sure I’ll ever be) to return to any of our old traditions and
think I need to create some new ones. This is a start.
I’d give anything to be eating with Al on Christmas Day
though.
